WE MUST SEE PAST WHAT IT SEEMS.

I read this and it really struck me. We are all dealing with some kind of pain, stress, grief or condition. Let's try not to be judgmental for we never know the struggles of others.
Here is the link:
http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151

What kinds of signs would you wear? I can think of several.
I am spread too thin and need help.
With breast cancer awareness month coming up I am missing my Mom more than ever.
I am tired.....I am not sleeping. Sorry if I seem irritable.

Those are just the ones on the top of my head. Life is great but I still have struggles even in happiness. I have never been a judgmental person, but I am going to make sure to treat everyone with a little more compassion. I am going to pay attention to the people around me and reach out even if they seem to be handling things. Sometimes even the strong need a place to lay down their burdens.

WE MUST SEE PAST WHAT IT SEEMS!!!

Follow your heart

"The more you try to please everybody, the less you’ll be able to benefit anybody. If you worry constantly about what others will think, you’ll sabotage your greatest accomplishments before they even get started.
Be kind, compassionate, thoughtful and considerate. Yet don’t be a slave to the opinions of others.
By all means, hold yourself to the highest standards. Just be sure they are truly your standards, and not merely fears about what others may think.
Live and act true to what you know is right, and appropriate, and valuable. Follow your heart, your desires, your intuition and your own authentic dreams.
Listen to the criticism and advice, and learn from it. But don’t let it dissuade you or delay you from doing what you know you must.
You can achieve whatever you choose if you’ll just have the confidence and persistence to see it all the way through. Whatever others might say or think, create the great value that is yours to create...."

Standing for what you believe in,
Regardless of the odds against you,
and the pressure that tears at your resistance,
... means courage.

Keeping a smile on your face,
When inside you feel like dying,
For the sake of supporting others,
... means strength.

Stopping at nothing,
And doing what's in your heart,
You know is right,
... means determination.

Doing more than is expected,
To make another's life a little more bearable,
Without uttering a single complaint,
... means compassion.

Helping a friend in need,
No matter the time or effort,
To the best of your ability,
... means loyalty.

Giving more than you have,
And expecting nothing,
But nothing in return,
... means selflessness.

Holding your head high,
And being the best you know you can be
When life seems to fall apart at your feet,
Facing each difficulty with the confidence

That time will bring you better tomorrows,
And never giving up,
... means confidence.....

Bipolar Facebook?

I am so excited! After hours of searching for a good chat/support group I stumbled into the Bipolar version of Facebook!!! Actually they have support groups for anything from medical problems to raising children. I joined MD Junction only last night and have already shared bipolar jokes with a lady in Florida, gotten answers to some questions from a lady in Canada and gotten "hugged" (better than "poked") by a girl in California. No one knows how deep the rabbit hole goes in the mind of someone struggling with BP and thus, there are things only a person with BP can understand.
I try to "fake it" every day because I have come to the realization people only want to be around when you are at your best. I am pretty good at putting on a front by taking on more than I can handle such as coaching soccer, being in charge of a huge church activity, planning a birthday party for my favorite 5 year old, putting in extra hours at work etc......but sometimes I need to just tell someone I feel like crap and have them understand without judgement. Now I have an answer. YAY!!!!

Totally unrelated....GO UTES!!! Saturday's game was enough to turn any frown upside down. Well, unless you are a BYU fan. You are probably  feeling a little extra blue these days. But I still love all my Y friends. I actually wish it had been a better game.

Random

I don't really know what this post is going to be about. I have so many thought racing through my mind I feel like putting them to paper. Well, digitally that is. I feel like knowing someone with an illness (mental of physical) puts people in an awkward position. It is similar to when someone dies and you don't know what to say to the loved ones left behind. You worry you will say the wrong thing, or upset them more, or sound stupid, or insensitive, or seem too nosy......I know, from when my Mom died, the worst thing to say is nothing. It is like there is that cliched elephant in the room. I remember people avoiding me because they didn't know how to react. Not everyone, mind you, was this way. And I am not trying to make anyone feel bad. I recently went to a funeral for a young man who shot himself and I will admit I wasn't sure what to say to his family.
I know I am rambling but I will try tying this back into those with mental/physical illnesses. People would always tell my mom she would get better when we knew she wouldn't. Likewise, I will never get better from bipolar. The difference is, my mom's illness was acute and terminal. I struggle with my every day but as long as I keep it in check it won't take my life. The reason I compare the two is I feel like a social leper at times. I thought it was just in my head but going to my support group I learned I am not alone in my thinking. It goes back to that not knowing what to say, or how to treat people who are "ill". Again, I say the worst thing to say is NOTHING! It makes things more awkward to ignore them. I am completely open about my condition and speak in jest of it often. I thought that would make others more comfortable with it, but I guess I was mistaken. I understand leaving people to deal with things in their own way. Some may just not want to keep our relationship going and I will have to accept that. I just feel I have many damaged/disrupted relationships and it sucks. I can't go back to being silent. I have already announced to the whole world I am bipolar. To be honest, I am glad that I did......but sometimes the more you put yourself out there, the more lonely you become. Lame.
On a happier note, I just got back from camping and feel recharged for the week. Nothing like fresh air and stars in the sky to remind you how freaking radical the outdoors truly are.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to school I go.

Well it's that time of year again. Back to school!! For me, that also means back to work. I absolutely love my summer's off, but I also love my job and look forward to another fantastic year. I like the routine into which I fall once that first bell rings. I don't mind change, in fact I get bored if things stay the same for long, but knowing I have to be somewhere at a certain time forces me to get out of bed no matter how few hours of sleep I receive or how crappy I feel that day. Additionally, being around students all day provides endless joy and laughter. Kids are freaking hilarious! Of course there are those moments I want to pull my hair out, but those moments are few and far between.
To reiterate, I LOVE MY JOB! Sometimes I feel guilty for working and not being home with my kids all day, but I think guilt comes with being a Mother. The things I glean from working in education benefit my kids more than dropping them off at preschool (although I really miss doing that). I have never felt that being bipolar has disrupted my job performance or my relationships with students or coworkers. If I felt I weren't able to provide my best work I would quit. This post is to provide assurance that those who live bipolar lives are just as competent as everyone else. :)

Moving on

Due to recent events, I have been contemplating whether or not to continue this blog. I thought that being open about my illness would eliminate some of the stigma associated with bipolar. I thought that if people knew they could talk openly with me that there would be no awkwardness within my relationships.
As it would happen, I have been taken advantage of and hurt by people close to me. My openness has served as a source of judgement and accusation. I spent a few weeks angry and upset but have come to the conclusion people are who they are.
Not all of the problems in my life are caused by bipolar. There are things about which I am stressed that would upset ANYONE! I think people should look into their own lives before they judge another's. I was ready to give up on this blog and pull back into a secretive shell of nondisclosure to protect myself until I talked to a very insightful friend. He made me realize that, although there will always be insensitive people, talking about my life openly could help a lot of people.
Just because some people look to my openness as an opportunity to judge is no reason to stop trying to enlighten others who may benefit or relate from sharing my story.
I am human. I am going to have good and bad days just like everybody else. I am going to get upset if someone does something hurtful, I am going to get excited when something extraordinary happens, I am going to feel pain for someone who has just lost a family member, I am going to laugh when I see something funny, I am going to disagree with people at times, I am going to support people in whom I believe, I am going to take care of myself and my family and I will live life to it's fullest. Just because I am bipolar doesn't put me in a different class of the human species.
Yes I have an illness that I have to keep in check. Just as a diabetic has to monitor his/her insulin levels. I am done being worried about what others think. I know who I am and I am proud to share my story. I refuse to live life thinking twice about what I say because I am worried about how I will be judged. My name is Leesa, I am bipolar and I am moving on.
As for my insightful friend, you know who you are and I am grateful for your support in this matter and for giving me the momentum I need to keep this blog going.