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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Stable Schmable

I am trying to come to terms with what "being stable" actually entails. I suppose it is a good thing, right? I am not bouncing off the walls with ideas or wishing I could just disappear......
The problem is that now I feel, well, nothing. I am a robot stuck in a human body. I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I don't even feel apathetic. Is this what my life has come to? No joy, no pain, no anything? Perhaps now people who were too afraid to ask how I am doing will stop avoiding me but is that really better than having no emotions? I guess so. Maybe.
I know that Bipolar is a crazy roller coaster and often I wish for a pit stop, but does it have to be so bland? I miss my creativity. Hell, I miss my personality!
Stable.....that is what I was aiming for? This is the only way people can stand me? But, can I stand myself? I see now why people with Bipolar are often tempted not to take their meds. If I didn't have a family I can honestly say I would be tempted too.
I suppose I will keep "faking it" with everyone and going through the motions. Maybe now I won't feel like a social pariah. I just can't figure out who I should be trying to make happy. It sure as heck isn't me. Oh well. The joys of this blasted illness.
I should feel aggravated by this new development, but, thanks to my being "stable" I feel nothing.....

3 comments:

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

You're not a social pariah. I like you.

Teresa Stevenson said...

I agree you are not a social pariah. I am sorry you are flat-lined. ( just existing with no emotions)I still love you! NO matter what happens.

Ben said...

I'm interested in this. If you ever feel up to it, I'd like to hear more about this noticeable feeling you've experienced. Specifically the noted differences in your creativity and personality. What are the differences exactly? Do you notice any specific changes or are they more general, vague? I'm thinking of actual noticeable cognitive processes, (i.e., attention, motivation, problem solving, emotional reactivity, and the like.)

This is a pretty fascinating dilemma. I'm sure a lot of folks could benefit from any insight. Myself included.

Rock on!