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Friday, January 20, 2012

Salt Lake Valley of the Doll...or something like that.

I am not, by nature, a person who shares my troubles and sorrows. Even when I felt motivated to publish this blog I was hesitant. But, I knew that I wanted to A. have a journal of sorts of bipolar material and B. to educate others about the BP world. I would never dump my feelings on my friends so I don't know why I feel comfortable on here. Perhaps, although I see how many people are reading my posts, I feel I am talking to myself.
 I am just frustrated these days and I feel the need to mentally spew. Since I started this darn thing I have kept things mostly positive. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel pretty positive. Still, more of it probably has to do with me not being able to face vulnerability. I have gotten proficient at keeping my true feelings locked up tight. I am often able to hide them even from myself.
I refereed to a "doll" in my title because I feel like that is what I have been all of my life. Ironic because I am COMPLETELY terrified and appalled at the sight of those stuffed little people, I suppose I have always believed if I could make it "look" like I was okay, no one would know that inside I was  broken.  I tried to be a model student, got involved in things like yearbook and drill team, made friends, put on makeup and smiled at the world. Don't get me wrong, I loved these things.......but deep down I thought as long as I "looked" like a ridiculously happy person I could fool the world. Well, I succeeded! Even now, when people I have known most of my life learn I am bipolar they are shocked! Partly because I don't think most know what being bipolar actually means. Mental illness is often interpreted as a deformation of character. Mostly they are just shocked because they never knew anything was wrong.
The older I get the easier it is to hide pain. I have to. I have a family to care for, a job to maintain and a life to keep afloat. On most days, I can put on my game face just fine. But, once in a while I get sick of it or I am triggered by something that reminds me of past trauma, or events and I find myself struggling for a moment to return to "doll" form. I was reminded of something awful today and it resulted in me reaching my boiling point. 
Some days being a "doll" is exhausting. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Today I am tired. I am tired of always trying to be strong. Tired of the times I try being open and honest with people biting me in the ass. Tired of people saying they are there for you put not acting like it.Tired of always being the one to check on everyone else, tired of playing this game with myself. Tired because I slept for 15 minutes last night and sat in a conference for seven hours today. Haha. 
Don't get me wrong!!!!! Life isn't all bad. I am happy and enjoy parenting my little ones more than anything!!! My heart is mostly filled with happiness. I am surrounded by amazing and wonderful people and I learn something new and fascinating every day. It's just when I feel like the porcelain cracking on my facade of an exterior I feel pressured to super glue myself back together. Tomorrow I will wake up and the glue will have dried. I will be able to face the world once again with a fresh coat of paint.

*The title is in reference to the movie, "Valley of the Dolls." Even though "dolls" in that movie were drugs. lol Just thought I would clarify. Otherwise the title is kind of odd.

2 comments:

Emilee said...

Leesa,

Although I don't fully understand I think I do to a certain degree. I think most people with illness often feel the need to hide it from others. We don't want to burden others with what we deal with on a regular basis. I know for me I feel I have to be strong for everyone so they don't worry about me. We all have our breaking points. I to am one that finds I am constantly concerned about others and don't always feel it reciprocated. Just our nature I guess. I think you are amazing. Thanks for sharing. I hope this too will pass:). For now anyway, right?

Teresa Stevenson said...

Leesa, I have many thoughts and emotions with this post. I wish I could express them all and actually sound like I knew what I was talking about. I love you dearly, and I hope when I say I am always here for you it isn't one of the people that are referred to as not caring. I do care, however it is just hard to show that all the time living so far apart. I love that you talk about it. I realized early in our friendship that you hide things and you found alternative methods of dealing. WE all do! I also love the reference to Valley of the Dolls... loved the movie and have wanted to read the book. But because you hate dolls and because at one point in my life I too felt like a doll. I love you dearly and you can always vent to me! Thank you for sharing your TRUE feelings!