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Thursday, January 26, 2012

Growing through loss.

Eleven years ago I lost my mom to cancer. It was quick. It was a shock. It was completely unexpected. I was young at the time and couldn't foresee the effects of losing her would have on my life. Obviously I miss her. I miss that she was  not here to hold my babies when they were born. I miss that she is  not able to physically watch them grow. I miss that I cannot call on her for parenting advice.
That said, I feel like I appreciate her more now than I ever did before. We have no unresolved issues so I can focus on what strengths of hers I want to develop and pass on to my children. Ours was not a perfect relationship, as no relationship ever is. Now that I am an adult and mother myself I feel I understand my mother better than I did when I was young. I hate having to admit she was right about a lot of things. lol DANG IT! I thought I knew everything back then. I also know she was wrong about a lot of things as well. From our relationship I hope to glean insight into how to conduct my relationships with my own kids.
Looking back, I remember her grace. Even as she spent her last several days in the hospital, she never lost her selflessness and optimism. With everything I face, I try to do the same. With bipolar it is often easy to see the dark side. Finding light in darkness is daunting unless you are seeking the light. Darkness can be comfortable. You can hide in darkness. You don't have to let anyone see the real you in darkness. However, darkness is consuming. If you spend too much time in darkness you may never escape it's clutches.
When I find myself in that darkness I don't stay long. :) I am grateful for my three little rays of light that keep me hopeful for the future. Regardless of how things are in the world around me, I know those three faces love me and need me. Even as they grow and they hate me for being strict, I know one day they will thank me. I know this because I am grateful for my mom. I am sorry I never got to tell her that in person, but I think she know it now. She is probably in heaven, smiling and thinking, "I told you so."


Zoo Keeper Mom said...

My condolences at the passing of your mom, especially with you being so young. A very close friend of mine lost her mom way to early, and I just cannot even imagine going through that. This is such a beautifully written tribute, I am sure your mom feels your love, and sends hers daily.

Anonymous said...

I too am sorry because lets face it I LOVED PAM! She is the only mom I know who farts in front of us. WE laugh and she is embarrassed but laughing with us! She had a heart of gold and always welcomed me into her home with open arms. She was my second mom for a short time and I loved her for it!

Brady + Marsha said...

I love how you are able to express yourself in your writing. You are such a great writer. Your children truly are rays of light! I love being in primary with them. They really do light up a room.