The more I monitor my moods and circumstances, the more educated I become in all things ME. I learn my triggers, I learn my warning signs, and I learn patterns. One pattern to which I have recently become enlightened is that this time of year EVERY YEAR , I don't sleep.
It was a year ago, exactly, that I stopped sleeping altogether thus, landing myself in the psych ward to receive heavy meds. Apparently sleeping is important or something. I jest. Thinking back, I recall my psychologist frequently looking over notes and remarking the pattern. She attributed it to some underlying PTSD from events that occurred with the change of seasons..... While that is possible, I feel I have dealt with my "past" and now SOMETHING is causing my mood to alter this time of year.
I find it a fascinating cycle. I also find it extremely frustrating! While I don't always "feel" tired, I am noticing the side effects of not sleeping. I have given up asking for help due to problems "related to bipolar". I figure nobody wants to watch your kids because you haven't slept for five days. lol They probably wouldn't realize I LITERALLY mean NO sleep for FIVE days! All moms are tired so why add to their work load. Anyway, I am doing fine in survival mode.
I will delve into the medical health system at a later time, but I will make mention of an important issue here as well. There are so few psychiatrists in Utah, one can expect to be on a waiting list for at least 4 to 6 months before being seen by someone new. Um, when someone is having a psychotic episode, shouldn't they be seen ASAP? That said, I fortunately was able to be seen and receive new medication this week and actually slept last night. WOO HOO! It is definitely cause for celebration. Moods are impossible to keep stable when one isn't sleeping. Even you "normal" folks know you can't function without sleep. I may "appear" to be functioning to the outside world but, in reality, I am walking a dangerously fine line. The longer I go without sleep, the more likely I am to become manic. And while mania can be fun for a while.....it always leads to trouble.
Now that I am out of the "danger zone" I feel confident I have averted a crisis. While the last few years have been a very real hell, I am grateful for all I have gone through in the sense that I now feel I am in control and NOT the bipolar. I am the one calling the shots. Sure, the bipolar may toss a few nights of not sleeping at me.....but now I know to counteract ASAP with some serious meds to get back on track. Suck it bipolar! I win this round.
