Salt Lake Valley of the Doll...or something like that.

I am not, by nature, a person who shares my troubles and sorrows. Even when I felt motivated to publish this blog I was hesitant. But, I knew that I wanted to A. have a journal of sorts of bipolar material and B. to educate others about the BP world. I would never dump my feelings on my friends so I don't know why I feel comfortable on here. Perhaps, although I see how many people are reading my posts, I feel I am talking to myself.

 I am just frustrated these days and I feel the need to mentally spew. Since I started this darn thing I have kept things mostly positive. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I feel pretty positive. Still, more of it probably has to do with me not being able to face vulnerability. I have gotten proficient at keeping my true feelings locked up tight. I am often able to hide them even from myself.

I refereed to a "doll" in my title because I feel like that is what I have been all of my life. Ironic because I am COMPLETELY terrified and appalled at the sight of those stuffed little people, I suppose I have always believed if I could make it "look" like I was okay, no one would know that inside I was  broken.  I tried to be a model student, got involved in things like yearbook and drill team, made friends, put on makeup and smiled at the world. Don't get me wrong, I loved these things.......but deep down I thought as long as I "looked" like a ridiculously happy person I could fool the world. Well, I succeeded! Even now, when people I have known most of my life learn I am bipolar they are shocked! Partly because I don't think most know what being bipolar actually means. Mental illness is often interpreted as a deformation of character. Mostly they are just shocked because they never knew anything was wrong.

The older I get the easier it is to hide pain. I have to. I have a family to care for, a job to maintain and a life to keep afloat. On most days, I can put on my game face just fine. But, once in a while I get sick of it or I am triggered by something that reminds me of past trauma, or events and I find myself struggling for a moment to return to "doll" form. I was reminded of something awful today and it resulted in me reaching my boiling point. 

Some days being a "doll" is exhausting. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Today I am tired. I am tired of always trying to be strong. Tired of the times I try being open and honest with people biting me in the ass. Tired of people saying they are there for you put not acting like it.Tired of always being the one to check on everyone else, tired of playing this game with myself. Tired because I slept for 15 minutes last night and sat in a conference for seven hours today. Haha. 

Don't get me wrong!!!!! Life isn't all bad. I am happy and enjoy parenting my little ones more than anything!!! My heart is mostly filled with happiness. I am surrounded by amazing and wonderful people and I learn something new and fascinating every day. It's just when I feel like the porcelain cracking on my facade of an exterior I feel pressured to super glue myself back together. Tomorrow I will wake up and the glue will have dried. I will be able to face the world once again with a fresh coat of paint.

*The title is in reference to the movie, "Valley of the Dolls." Even though "dolls" in that movie were drugs. lol Just thought I would clarify. Otherwise the title is kind of odd.

Can You Catch OCD?

Interesting article on OCD.
Can You Catch Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

A Creed to Live By

I stole this from a friend's blog because I thought it was beautiful.

A Creed To Live By 
By Nancye Sims

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.

It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Don't set your goals by what other people deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.

Cling to them as you would your life, for without them life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.

By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.

Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.

It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.

The quickest way to receive love is to give love.

The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;

and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;

to be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been,

but also where you're going. Life is not a race,

but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Copyright © 1996 Nancye Sims

Here comes the sun...doo...doo...doo...doo...

What is going on with the weather Utah? It is the beginning of January and I have spent a good portion of the week riding bikes, shooting hoops and playing OUTSIDE. All this WITHOUT a coat! It is almost eerie to see the sun shining down on snow deprived trees. I am in NO way complaining but I do have some fears. I hope that this abnormally pleasant weather isn't prelude to a late blooming winter. I do not want to have snow in JUNE!!! My other concern is that there will be no "greatest snow on Earth" on which I can ski/board. This is the first year my whole little family can hit the slopes. Hmmmmm.
The reason I bring up the weather is because my mood has been unusually pleasant for this time of year as well. A couple posts ago I mentioned being bummed after coming home from vaca. I have since settled into my normal routine. In January's past the dark, cold weather has left me less motivated, grumpy and sometimes angry. You would think that after 30 years I would have come to accept the fact we have winter! LOL I think that every year, when the leaves begin to fall, a little part of me thinks maybe, just ,maybe winter will forget to make an appearance.
Thus far, maybe this year it won't!

Brain scan bummer!

Mental illness is so hard to understand, diagnose and prove existence of because there is no blood test or scientifically accepted scan that causes a doctor to say, "Yes! You absolutely have bipolar disorder." We simply rely on behavior and mood monitoring to diagnosticate. There is NO part of me that doubts I have this order and I have accepted this. I DO, however, wish there were some source of reliably viewing the brain during  both a manic as well as depressive episodes. As it turns out, my hopes of this may be approaching reality.

Throughout my everlasting search for insight into my constant companion, Mr. Bipolar, I have happened upon several scans of brains exhibiting observation of the brain during manic/depressed episodes. The following link shows a few of these mentioned images which I find interesting. Maybe I should have been careful what I wished for. 

bipolar brain scans

The most troubling statements in this study is as follows:

"They found that people with bipolar disorder suffer from an accelerated shrinking of their brain. "

"Imaging studies carried out four years apart showed loss of brain tissue in the areas controlling memory, face recognition and coordination."

Soooooo uncool! I have always been of the mindset that I can handle growing old so long as I have my brain and wits about me. Looks like that dream may not be attainable. Bummer! I refuse to lose hope or succumb myself to thinking I will be senile in my old age, but it does cause me concern.
It is my hope that in the near future we will be better able to interpret what mental illnesses look like and how they affect the brain so we can better understand what we are dealing with. This information would prove valuable for research into treatment. 

Post Holiday/ Post Vaca Blues

I hope everyone had as wonderful a Christmas as my family and I did!!!
The parties are over, the gifts have been unwrapped, the Christmas cards have been sent, the delectable treats you consumed in volume are sitting comfortably around your waistline and now you are left with the aftermath. There are decorations to put away, a tree to take down, a cold winter to prepare for and everyone is too partied out to get together. Well, for me, add coming home from vacation into the mix!!!
We were lucky enough to go on a cruise with Mike's ENTIRE family for Christmas and had such a fantastic time that I am now finding myself a little depressed to go back to "normal" life. From the moment I stepped off the ship I felt my heart sink. I thought to myself, "of course you are sad! You haven't had to prepare a meal in over a week. You have spent the last eight days with cousins you love. You have watched your kids engulfed in Disney magic. You have seen and felt the warmth of the sun in December!" I assumed the feelings of sadness would dissipate as I got back into my usual routine.
We have barely been home 24 hours so maybe I should cut myself some slack, but I am still totally depressed! I can't seem to find the energy to unpack seven suitcases and do laundry. Looking at the tree makes me even more frustrated. Why didn't I take it down before we left? The thought of taking down Christmas adds to my despair. Now, I am being purposefully dramatic. lol
Is it post holiday blues or post vacation sadness? Or BOTH? Are you all feeling a little down these days? I think there is so much hype surrounding Christmas we get on the holiday adrenaline train and once it's over we are left emotionally and physically exhausted!
Most of my posts deal with mania because rarely do I find myself on the depressed side of the bipolar spectrum. Furthermore, I am not clinically depressed as of late, I am just finding the lingering days of 2011 to be a bit dismal.
I wonder if my insurance would cover another cruise to banish my depression? What do you think?

Ask away......

I recently had a friend ask me some questions about my experiences dealing with bipolar. I was glad he shared an interest and hopefully I was able to shed some insight. I am still learning about the illness myself and how it all effects my quality of life. That said, if you ever have questions, please ask.
 The reason I decided to tell my story was to create awareness. It is helpful to know what people want to know and how they view mental illness. I am not offended if people are put off by who I am or with what I am going through. I am who I am and unfortunately there is no cure for Bipolar. At least not yet. lol I have my fingers crossed. I am grateful for my good times and empowered by overcoming the bad ones.
 I know many people suffer in silence. I have experienced first hand the loss of relationships due in some part to what I am. I assume any of you reading this are not of that company. Whether it is concern for my well-being or simply curiosity, I appreciate your support. That is why I am MORE than happy to answer questions. Your inquiries give me percipience into how to further my cause.